I work as a commission-based salesman. Each day, our sales figures are recorded and prominently displayed on a whiteboard for everyone to see. Those who perform well are praised, held up as examples by our supervisors, who encourage the rest of us to aspire to their success. Conversely, if you have too many days without a sale, you risk losing your job.
Lately, I haven’t been selling much. Just yesterday, a junior colleague was publicly praised by our supervisor for achieving daily sales for an entire month. I felt envious, frustrated, and ashamed of myself. I used to be the one in that position, receiving the accolades and serving as the model for others.
I have a wife and children to support. In truth, if I could, I would quit this job in a heartbeat and live a life of freedom. I despise the stress that comes with this job.
However, deep down, I recognize that this job offers a level of freedom I never had when I worked for a large corporation. Back then, my tasks were monotonous, and my future was predictable. Now, although no one guarantees my results, I have the liberty to carve out my own path. This freedom, however, comes with its own challenges and uncertainties. It’s this very struggle that makes my current situation both difficult and exhilarating.
The Daily Grind of Sales
Each morning, I wake up knowing that my performance from the previous day will be on display for everyone to scrutinize. The whiteboard in our office is not just a tool for tracking progress; it’s a public scoreboard of our successes and failures. It serves as a constant reminder of the competitive nature of our work.
When I see my name next to a low number or a zero, I feel a pang of disappointment. It’s hard not to compare myself to others, especially when the high achievers are celebrated so openly. It’s a tough environment where every sale counts and every miss is a potential threat to my job security.
The Emotional Rollercoaster
Yesterday was particularly tough. Watching a junior colleague receive praise for his consistent performance was a bitter pill to swallow. I couldn’t help but feel a mix of emotions—envy at his success, frustration at my own lack of sales, and a deep sense of inadequacy. It’s hard to accept that I’m no longer the top performer I once was.
I remember the days when I was the one being praised, the one others were encouraged to emulate. It feels like a lifetime ago. Now, I struggle to find that same level of motivation and drive. The pressure is immense, and the fear of failure looms large.
Balancing Work and Family
As a husband and father, the stakes are even higher. I have a family that depends on me, and the thought of letting them down is unbearable. There are days when I fantasize about quitting my job and living a carefree life, free from the relentless pressure of sales targets. But reality quickly sets in—my family needs me to provide for them, and walking away isn’t an option.
Yet, amidst the stress and pressure, there’s a part of me that appreciates the freedom this job offers. When I worked in a large corporation, my days were filled with routine tasks and my future was predictable. There was little room for creativity or personal growth. In contrast, my current role, though challenging, allows me to take charge of my own destiny.
The Paradox of Freedom and Struggle
This paradox of freedom and struggle is at the heart of my current predicament. On one hand, I enjoy the autonomy and the ability to control my own success. On the other hand, the lack of certainty and the constant pressure to perform can be overwhelming.
There’s a strange sense of satisfaction that comes from this struggle. It’s a reminder that I’m pushing myself, that I’m not settling for a predictable, mundane existence. The challenges I face daily force me to grow, to adapt, and to find new ways to succeed.
Finding Balance
In the end, I’m learning to find a balance between the freedom and the struggle. It’s not easy, and there are days when I feel like giving up. But I remind myself that this journey is about more than just making sales. It’s about proving to myself that I can overcome obstacles, that I can thrive in an environment where nothing is guaranteed.
Every day is a new opportunity to improve, to learn from my mistakes, and to strive for success. While the path I’ve chosen is far from easy, it’s also incredibly rewarding. And for now, that’s enough to keep me going.
Atsushi's Life in Korea 